Most of you know that I’m having surgery tomorrow morning. I’m getting my arthritic ankle fused. I’ve had plenty of surgeries, so I’m not super nervous about the surgery itself. It’s more the recovery part that makes me nervous.
Twenty years ago I was in a horrible car accident. I had all sorts of injuries that you can read about if you click the link. Besides losing my daughter, one of the biggest injuries I suffer from is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I have memory loss and memory issues still today. I’m not the kind of mom that remember’s her kids ‘firsts’. I don’t remember many lines from movies or lyrics to songs. If I went to high school with you, I might not exactly remember who you are, or if we were friends in high school, and I for sure don’t remember if I’ve seen you since high school. A month or so ago, I forgot the name of a kid who’s family is best friends with my family. I’ve known them for about five years (I think.) and I just could NOT remember his name. So if we’re talking and I have a blank stare on my face and it looks like I have no idea what you’re talking about, it’s not you, it’s me. (This is probably why I can watch the same movie over and over again, huh?)
To compound my PTSD, I ended up having an emergency c-section with The Brainiac. During the delivery I was feeling way more pain then I should’ve been able to, so they gassed me quick. I could hear the beeps of the heart monitor and I swear I heard myself flat-line. I was dying. I knew it. I kept telling Nathan that I loved him. He needed to know that. I had to make that very clear.
Um…I guess I didn’t even come close to flat-lining. It was all in my head, but Nathan couldn’t leave my side. When The Brainiac was born he spent the first fifteen minutes of his life without us because I was having an anxiety attack.
A few years ago I had a uterine ablation done. When I was waking up after the surgery, I was alone. I started to freak out. The pain was immense. Where was Nathan? I started to panic. The nurse was a bit on the fussy side. I was coming out of anesthesia and couldn’t properly communicate with her that I was panicking about being abandoned at the hospital². She threatened to admit me. I really started to freak out, but I made sure I did so silently. (Which is a lot like having conversations with yourself in your head while getting a massage – more on that another day.) After a while I was taken to the next stage of recovery and Nathan was there. *whew* I wasn’t abandoned in the hospital after all.
When the nurse called me yesterday, she asked if I ever had any problems with anesthesia. At first I said, “No.” because I’ve never gotten sick or had any complications with it. Then I remembered the last two times I had anesthesia and told her a little about the anxiety. She assured me that I would have plenty of time tomorrow to talk to the anesthesiologist and they will be able to give me something for the anxiety. Plus, she said they’d get me together with Nathan as soon as they could.
So, I’m trying to trust this nurse. I’m telling myself that coming out of anesthesia will be okay. Nathan will be there, even if I can’t see him right away. I will be fine. I will be calm.
If you’re the praying sort, I’m going to ask you to pray for me. If you’re the energy sort, I’m going to ask for some calm energy. If you’re the wish making, magic fairy dust, unicorn believing kind – I’m going to ask for all you got. (If you’re I don’t really give a fuck kind, you can just keep that to yourself.)
¹The last time I used my cane because of the nerve damage was about two years ago. It’s been a life long struggle – but I’m a fighter and I’ll keep fighting.
²I *know* I wasn’t abandoned at the hospital after the car accident, but with the PTSD and the memory loss, if feels like it. So if you were one of the people who visited me, please don’t be offended I don’t remember. I don’t really remember anyone.