The Deep Dark Hole

I’ve been dancing around it and dipping my toe in it. Letting it take a piece of my day here and there. I’ve been careful to keep my hair done (thanks Curlformers), and I’ve been wearing a bit of make-up. I even put on regular jeans, instead of yoga pants/pajama jeans, when I left the house. I’ve bought several pairs of cute new earrings (thank you retail therapy?). I picked up some art supplies and played a bit with metal. I’ve checked things off my to-do list. I was ‘good’. I was hanging on…..until today.

Today…I plugged my nose. I got on my tippy toes and I dived in head first.

I snapped at The Artist for jamming the key into the mailbox (for the 50-billionth time) and when we finally got to our Homeschool playgroup I busted into tears. I left the kids with my friends¹, told The Artist I was sorry, and I went back to my car. I drove to the end of the parking lot and I cried.

I cried, and cried, and cried.

I sent a few texts to let people know that I was ‘okay’ NOT ‘okay’, but there was nothing to do. They sent texts back being supportive, loving, and kind.

And here I am at the bottom of The Deep Dark Hole. I feel alone, scared, worthless, fat, ugly, sad, horrified, untrustworthy, terrified, and then I feel….nothing.

I made a doctor appointment for next week (thanks Nathan and My Sissy for encouraging me to do that). The doctor is going to try to get me in tomorrow. I hope they can help me. I’m tired of The Deep Dark Hole.

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¹A special *thank you* to my friends and family for being an amazing support group: taking care of my kids, letting me know that I’m not alone, telling me to ignore ‘The Voice’, telling me that you love me, and just being ‘there’. Thank you.

***If you or someone you know suffers from depression or mental illness please get help. We deserve silver ribbons.

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56 thoughts on “The Deep Dark Hole”

  1. Big hugs my love! I hope you are able to come out of that deep dark hole! I’ve been in there plenty of times, as was able to climb up… very slowly, but I made it out. So I know you can to!!! <3 You know where to find me if you need to talk/vent.

  2. Prayers being said for you, MFP…I love your posts and hope you feel better soon. ;) Love ya’, Coffee Break-Meredith

  3. Thank you for sharing … I empathize with you’re emotions as I find myself similarly positioned. I know what I have to do, doing it is a whole different story. I wish you well on your journey back up the spiral.

    1. “I know what I have to do, doing it is a whole different story.” Truer words have rarely been spoken.

  4. You are not alone, worthless, fat, or ugly. But you are scared, sad, and terrified. I have been there and never had the nerve to blog about it. You are depressed. I somtimes still sit and cry for no apparent reason to anyone but me. I hope your Dr will help you perhaps some meds will help. If you need to talk to someone who is non-judgemental please write to me if you would like. Hugs, hugs, hugs <3

    1. Thanks Linda, I hope maybe some meds will help. I’m lucky blessed to have a really great support system. Thank you for the hugs.

  5. It only takes one little match to create a light in the Deep Dark Hole. Try to think of one bright moment – it will get you to the next one. Arms around you, sending angels to surround you and give you the strength and courage to keep working your way back to the light. It can be done – been there more than once but my life is awesome right now. I still feel your pain though.

  6. BTDT. If you *ever* need someone to commisserate with, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to watch the kiddos while you coccoon, I’m more than happy to help. There’s lots of us out here who love you no matter what.

    1. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated being able to let my kids come this afternoon and know they were with friends. Thank you. xo

  7. I have been there many times as well, especially in the last 6 months….crying for no apparent reason, my husband and kids think I am nuts and have started tiptoing around me or simply ignoring me (husband). My kids are scared by it and I really have no explanation. It is a deep, dark hole and you are not alone in it. Hang in there.

  8. Hope you’re ok. I too have my own deep dark hole, and it scares the hell out of me. Unfortunately, I have no insurance, so I cannot see the dr. I do ok on my own tho…the roughest time of year for me is coming to an end, and I know I’ll be ok, when it does end. If you ever need to vent, my email is up there ^^^

    :)
    <3

    1. I was on Wellbutrin when I quit smoking years and years ago. I did really good on it. Glad you found something that helps you Jessie.

  9. I’m so sorry darling. I’m really glad you are going to see someone. I’m also very glad that there were people there to help you with the kids so you could “dive in”. I’m sorry that you feel “alone, scared, worthless, fat, ugly, sad, horrified, untrustworthy, terrified, and then I feel….nothing” because you are none of those things at all! You are beautiful, brilliant, creative, kind, I could go on, one of the most wonderful people! I also think you are wonderfully brave for sharing this. While I can’t be there in person, I am here for you if you need an ear. <3

  10. One of the most frustrating things about Deep Black Holes is that no two are alike; no two people’s pain or experiences are the same nor is the ‘life rope’ that leads them back into the light. Even though I do not know you personally, I would like you to know that my thoughts are genuinely with you.

  11. thank you for your honesty, thank you for being you. I’ve been there, I understand the turmoil, no one has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. Take care of yourself so you can take care of those around you. I would drive over and give you a hug…but alas a virtual one will have to do. Love, Isabelle

  12. Well my darling, adorable freakin’ little Princess!… Congratulations! YOU have made a breakthrough! You have realized that your emotions are too much to handle and are taking you over and the meltdown you just had is a very important step toward recovery. I admire your honesty and your post touched my heart. I, and many others have been there… you are not alone!

    Drugs did not help me… they made me all freaked out! But talking and sharing and getting to the root of the emotional mack truck that hit me did the trick. In the end, YOU are the one who has to take back the control of your emotions and your feelings. Choosing to find the positive and even humour in all things, good or bad, takes incredible strength… BUT it can be done!!

    You are not worthless, fat, ugly, etc… You are beautiful and special and worthy of happiness. You will get there… I have faith in you. =)

    T

    1. “Well my darling, adorable freakin’ little Princess!” LOL – Thank you Tanya (Comic Strip Mama)

  13. Thank you for sharing. So many people live in and out of that hole and don’t talk about it. I’ve been dealing with depression for well over 10 years. I didn’t talk about it until this last episode which has lasted for over 2 years. I hope you get the right treatment. I found mine about 4 months ago. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and remember that you are not alone.

    1. Kristina, I think if we all talked about it more, then more and more of us will feel brave enough to get help. I’m happy you’ve found help. <3

  14. Keep talking, Kimberly. You ARE loved, supported, and adored. You will come through it all, and there is help. Keep on it. The bastard can’t win. Love you. xoxo

  15. It’s true we’re not alone in these overwhelming, dark feelings we experience and I think as much as we know that – we still feel them and it’s so difficult to stop it. The fears, the doubts, the negative feelings about ourselves, our abilities as mothers, our self images – they flood us unreasonably even when our brains stop to say “It’s ok, we’re ok, it’ll be ok”. I don’t know about you, but that’s what it’s like for me. My brain and my heart tell me that it’s common, that I’m not alone, there’s people to talk to that will listen, that it’s not truly to the depth I’m feeling it, but yet the body & emotions control those thoughts and sink me low into that darkness anyway. I’ve been struggling with this again the last few months, so I understand where you’re at. I’ve been lucky that my kids are teens and we’ve talked about it. They know what to do for me when I get like this (which for me, is to leave me alone when I freak out and just let it pass because it does). I had a much harder time when I had a husband who wasn’t understanding. He made things so much harder. Thankfully, I took care of that problem with another D word a couple years ago. (shameless laugh, sorry) I have to admit, that nothing anyone says makes it’s go away, but I did appreciate knowing there were so many others experiencing it too (although I wouldn’t wish it on them ever!) – so while there’s nothing I/we can say to make your drowning feelings better, hopefully it helps to know others understand what you’re going through. HUGS

    1. “My brain and my heart tell me that it’s common, that I’m not alone, there’s people to talk to that will listen, that it’s not truly to the depth I’m feeling it, but yet the body & emotions control those thoughts and sink me low into that darkness anyway.” exactly. Thank you.

  16. Oh, my friend. I hope you know how much I look forward to your pretty pink-haired, smiling profile pic looking back at me every day. Of all my online friends, you’re on the short list of the ones I don’t want to be without.

    Take care of yourself. We love you.

  17. Hi don’t suffer from depression, but have had quite a time with anxiety and a lot of tears/hours of therapy. Emotional/mental wellbeing shouldn’t be tiptoed around and I think it’s beyond cool that you’re putting this out there.

    In my doulawork I see a lot of postpartum depression and as cliche as it sounds, it takes SO much courage and strength to say, “Help.” That is SO much more than muttling through with deep cracks under the surface and dispair around every corner. I’m glad you were able to reach out to your friends, family, a doctor and I hope you find some peace and happiness.

  18. Much love to you, my friend. When I took the step to take meds, what helped me was to say “This is just for now. It doesn’t have to be forever.” Also, that asking for help is not failure. Asking for help is a brave, brave thing to do. I’ve been taking my meds for more than a year, and things don’t feel so overwhelming. I feel like I’m actually in control of my life, rather than being at the whim of whatever emotion or hormone or situation wants to drag me across the ground. I hope that you find hope and peace, soon. <3

    1. Thank you. It’s people like you, who’ve been brave before me, that helped me become brave too. Love you.

  19. I love your page, I “look” for it daily. You know when you just scroll through the news feed randomly looking, you .. I go to your page :) I am sorry that you are feeling all these emotions and overwhelmed by them. I read your blogs backwards, I just read the I want a new pill one and then had to find out why. Shame on me for not stopping by the past couple of days. But now that I know that you are taking care of “you” , I want to tell you … I think you’re amazing. You bring so much laughter and grins to so many people and I’m glad you’re getting a little help, and an ugly pill LOL

  20. I know that dark place. Am scared to start writing about it in my book. But yoou know this place. You have been there before. And that monster that is whispering in your eear.

    It lies.

    You are fantastic and sunny and smart and string.

    So put your dukes up and kick it in its balls.

    And if you need a pill for a while – so what? Do what you need to do to get through this cycle. To get out of the hole. Sending you love.

  21. Depression is a liar! Don’t listen to it. My doctor and I are working on a new combination of meds since the Wellbutrin quit being enough. Currently continuing the Wellbutrin and adding Celexa. I don’t think we’re there yet. You are NOT alone. You are NOT worthless, fat, or ugly! Everything depression tells you is a lie. I’ve dealt with this for 30 years or more. When I start believing the lies, I get myself to the doctor. Then I turn to my loved ones for comfort and strength.

    You can do this! Stand up, look in the mirror and call Depression a liar to his face! I’ll be praying for you. You stay strong.

    1. I keep telling myself that depression is a liar. Sometimes the voice is so loud and strong that I forget…Thank you for the support.

  22. I am so proud of you for taking this beast by the horns. You will win the fight! You will beat it! I have been blind to your visit from the beast – the blinders are off. You are a beautiful person and I love you with all my heart!

    1. I think most of the time people who are struggling, like me, tend to hide their struggles. It’s hard to talk about. It’s hard to describe, but I’m learning that we all just need to keep talking. <3

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