Tag Archives: The Up/Downs

Self-Censored

Not Self-Centered. (I’m not saying I’m *not* self-centered – I am. We all are.)

Self-Censored.

That’s what I’ve been doing for awhile.

Self-Censored is when I limit my writing/posting because of how I think other people might feel about it.

Because it’s not like I haven’t had time to write.

*God knows I’ve had time to do crazy things like trying to clear my entire Facebook wall only to end up deleting my Facebook profile and starting a new one? (By the way, if you *do* start a new Facebook profile all your old game info is gone. This may not be a big deal, but when it has to do with a game I can actually be the top scorer in…it matters.)

Or that I haven’t had things to write about.

*Like one of my closest friends moving back to California, cutting my hair, nail polish, Welcome to the Jungle, how I confuse Pandora, and those pesky teens.

But…people I know in ‘real life’ read my blog. And sometimes I want to write things that may seem crazy or ‘bad’ or sad or weird or might make someone jealous or what ever.

And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that if I write about what I *want* to write about (thoughts, ideas, or the way I look at things) the people who know me will judge me.

They’ll decide I’m not okay. They might worry. They might think what I’m writing about is some cryptic way of talking about them. They might think I’m weird – as in ‘more weird’ then they thought I was. I might make them sad because I’m not always happy. They might try to *FIX* me and I have no desire to be *FIXED*.

And I don’t know what to do about this.

My normal coping mechanism wants me to delete this blog and start a new one.

An anonymous one.

[speaking in a euphoric tone]

I could write and just be me and no one would know it was me and people wouldn’t pre-judge or judge my writing, my ideas, or my life because of what they know about me.

 

What’s Up?

I’ve been a little quiet lately. Well, I guess it’s more like I’ve been quiet on the internet. At home I’ve been kind of a raging basket case.

My friend is moving back to California.

I hurt my ankle *again*.

I went OCD on my Facebook account and made it such a big mess that I needed to start over. I lost some Facebook friends throughout the process….interesting….

I haven’t showered in a while.

Or put on make-up.

I’m on the down side of The Up/Downs.

It’ll get better.

It always does.