*Warning: this post is a raw and deep part of me. It isn’t being posted for criticism, encouragement, or really any feedback. I’m posting it because it’s part of what I would normally censor. Read it or don’t. It’s up to you.
I quit drinking last weekend. Mostly for weight loss reasons. Truth be told, ONLY for weight loss reasons. I’ve been sober for *just about* a week and according to ‘some’ the pleasure center in my brain is really fucking mad.
I’ve spent the last few days in The Deep Dark Hole¹, thinking of nothing but my faults and my shortcomings – and holy shit there are a lot of them.
I’ve even gone so far as to catalog the items in my house that I’ve wasted money on. You see, I’m a waste². I’m not ‘worthless’ or ‘nothing’ like I originally felt. I’m actually a suck of resources. I’m a drain.
I made the list to prove my point. My list is seven and a half, handwritten pages of wastefulness. It’s not even itemized, most items are grouped together – like “clothes I won’t wear/fit into, beading supplies, vacuums, bags, and games we will never play”…and my sober self looks at that list and fills herself with hate.
I hate the sharp images of reality.
I hate looking at myself without the fuzzy comfort of a good buzz.
I miss feeling like I could take on the world.
I miss feeling sexy, witty, creative, and fun. I miss loving people just as they are and being accepting of their ‘shortcomings’ (Srsly…their shortcomings? Who am I to talk?)
The original goal was 60 Sober Days of Summer…I’m not committed.
¹Granted I don’t *need* to quit drinking to fall into The Deep Dark Hole. The Deep Dark Hole just seems so much more real and scary when I’m sober.
²Nathan has put up plenty of arguments against these feelings and has been loving/supportive through my fall into The Deep Dark Hole – like always (F.Y.I.)