I’ve been dancing around it and dipping my toe in it. Letting it take a piece of my day here and there. I’ve been careful to keep my hair done (thanks Curlformers), and I’ve been wearing a bit of make-up. I even put on regular jeans, instead of yoga pants/pajama jeans, when I left the house. I’ve bought several pairs of cute new earrings (thank you retail therapy?). I picked up some art supplies and played a bit with metal. I’ve checked things off my to-do list. I was ‘good’. I was hanging on…..until today.
Today…I plugged my nose. I got on my tippy toes and I dived in head first.
I snapped at The Artist for jamming the key into the mailbox (for the 50-billionth time) and when we finally got to our Homeschool playgroup I busted into tears. I left the kids with my friends¹, told The Artist I was sorry, and I went back to my car. I drove to the end of the parking lot and I cried.
I cried, and cried, and cried.
I sent a few texts to let people know that I was ‘okay’ NOT ‘okay’, but there was nothing to do. They sent texts back being supportive, loving, and kind.
And here I am at the bottom of The Deep Dark Hole. I feel alone, scared, worthless, fat, ugly, sad, horrified, untrustworthy, terrified, and then I feel….nothing.
I made a doctor appointment for next week (thanks Nathan and My Sissy for encouraging me to do that). The doctor is going to try to get me in tomorrow. I hope they can help me. I’m tired of The Deep Dark Hole.
¹A special *thank you* to my friends and family for being an amazing support group: taking care of my kids, letting me know that I’m not alone, telling me to ignore ‘The Voice’, telling me that you love me, and just being ‘there’. Thank you.