*Warning: This post contains what are my memories. Considering I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I have severe Amnesia about this time in my life, you should take it for what it is; MY memories and feelings about this event. Also, you pronounce her name shay-a.
It never fails, get a room full of mothers together and they start talking about birth stories and the pros/cons of boys verses girls. It’s a major anxiety trigger for me. I sit calmly and quiet. I try to drown out their stories with my own thoughts, but sooner or later someone will say something that makes my stomach turn so intensely I actually think I might throw up:
- Stating how they are so happy they don’t have any girls.
- Complaining about their ‘girl’ children.
- Nonchalantly talking about a miscarriage.
- Bragging about car accidents. (Okay, this is one has nothing to do with mothers, but it’s a HUGE trigger for me.)
My body will start shaking. I’ll get up and walk away. I’ll remind myself that these women/people don’t mean any harm. They don’t even know that what they said shakes my soul to the core. They haven’t been what I’ve been through. They can’t understand. No one can.
My daughter turns twenty tomorrow. I know, most of you who know me or have read my blog/followed my Facebook page for a bit might think: “What??? I thought her daughter was like 17?” No, my step-daughter, Kelsey, is seventeen. My daughter, Shea Marie, turns twenty tomorrow.
Shea Marie’s Footprints
I remember her birth like it was yesterday…no, wait…I don’t actually remember much of it at all. You see, I was nineteen years old and I was stupid. My boyfriend/fiance and I were super broke. I know I wasn’t working and I don’t remember what he was doing at the time, probably construction with his brother? Anyways, we would often go out to his mom and step-dad’s house in the evening because his mother would almost ALWAYS give him money. Usually it was $50 – $100, but sometimes it would only be $20. After our short visit we’d get into the car and I’d excitedly ask him how much she gave him. That particular night, I think I remember it being $100.
I know for sure what we did next, because it’s what we always did: We went to go double our money at the casino. Yes, you read that right. We went to go double our money at the casino. (Now you’re nodding your head about that nineteen and stupid part, right?!?!)
When we got to the casino, the main parking lot was full. We had to park over at the ‘old’ casino and take the shuttle to the main casino. That was okay. I mean, we would have to wait an extra fifteen minutes before we could start doubling our money, but I guess the time waiting was worth it. We were going to be doubling our money, you know?!?!
I don’t remember gambling that night. I was pregnant and BIG and I had a hard time maneuvering around all those machines. Shea Marie was quite the kicker and rib ‘tickler’, so I’m sure I spent some time trying to get her legs out from under my ribs. When we had finally doubled lost our money and we were ready to go home, I remember stepping off the shuttle bus:
And then? My memory starts to become really, really fuzzy. In fact, most of it’s blank. I don’t even remember getting into the car.
There are things I can put together though.
For example, we went to the casino often a lot all the fucking time (nineteen and stupid) so I know the way we took home and I have some vague memories of Highway 101 being under a lot of construction at that time.
I was told that the *night before*, on our way home from the damn casino, we were on Highway 101 and in order to maneuver around the construction, we needed to take a right on Highway 5, go a bit, and then take a left to get back onto Highway 101.
I was told the construction crew had done a lot of work within the 24 hours between <eye roll> casino visits, because as we pulled up to the intersection (remember the night before I was told we needed to turn right, go a bit, and then turn left) my boyfriend stopped at the red light and was going to make the right hand turn.
I was told that I was looking around – deciphering the road signs and blockades – and I’ve been told that I said, “Hey, don’t you want to go straight?”
I was told my boyfriend straightened out the car and went straight across the intersection.
Right into on oncoming car. The oncoming car hit us directly on my door. I was told that I started screaming.
Obviously, the ambulance came and took me to the hospital.
I was told there was some confusion in the emergency room.
I was told that my doctor induced labor the next day. My baby girl was going to be born a few weeks early. I have ONE memory of my labor and delivery:
I looked up into my father’s eyes and I said, “Is my baby dead?”
And he looked at me, full of tears, and he said, “Yes.”
I remember nothing of the next few days….someone arranged Shea Marie’s funeral. Someone paid for it. People came. I don’t know who.
I know I went. I was told the doctors didn’t want me to go.
I know she was buried with a blanket I was in the middle of cross-stitching for her.
I know I loved her with everything I had.
I know she is gone.
I know that I have spent the last twenty years with her on my mind (some days less and other days more). I have tried dealing with the guilt I feel about telling my boyfriend (at the time) which way to go that night. I feel responsible for her death.
I continue to cope with not only the emotional side of my loss, but also with the physical issues I have as a result of that car accident. I had fractured my pelvis and my spine¹, and I have permanent nerve damage and a slight paralysis from it. I cannot curl/grip with the toes on my left foot. This might not sound like a big deal, but if I try to use my toes too much, like walking on a rocky beach, my foot will seize. If my foot gets too cold, it will also seize.
A Facebook friend of mine posted a picture with this saying:
“It has been said that time heals all wounds, I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but is never gone. -Rose Kennedy.”
Yes, the pain lessens, but it is never, ever gone.
¹I was told the doctors didn’t know the extent of my injuries before I gave still-birth to Shea Marie and that if they had known how badly I was injured they would have preformed a c-section, including a hysterectomy. I am lucky that I was able to have two more children, both are boys and both of them mean the world to me.
P.S. I am thankful to have a husband who, not only comforts and helps me through the physical pain, but also helps me with the loss of a child that is not only ‘not his’, but a child he never met.
Also, I am thankful to my sissy for not letting our memories of Shea Marie disappear and caring for me during that time. Sissy, you were so young, but just like now, so strong.
I love you. Thank you for putting this out here, thank you for telling us your story, and thank you for letting us remember Shea Marie with you. You are an amazing mom, and it was most definitely not your fault that your daughter is now your gaurdian Angel. And no the pain never does go away, it only essens with time.
((HUGS))
Thank you. <3
Any time sweetie. If you need to talk you have my number <3
Wow, so many memories flash back from this story. I too still think about her, she used to kick at me :) Funny how someone who spent no time in our world outside your tummy could have such an effect. I loved her without knowing her and have visited with her at the cemetary a few times over the years. Sending my love to you today!
Thanks for the love. It is *amazing* how she had such an effect. Love you.
Oh this is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for this tragic moment and the fall out. You are very brave. I always knew that. But it takes vulnerability into sharing this stuff that really makes me admire you. This is beautiful in its sadness and I thank you for sharing. Xoxoxo
Thank you for the kind words <3
I love you. She will forever be your little girl. xoxo
Yes, she will :) XO
<3
<3 to you.
A yoga teacher I admire always begins class by asking the students to let go of anything that doesn’t serve them. I’ve always found relief after she says this. It’s like getting permission to shed emotions and thoughts that act as weight on our souls but which otherwise serve no helpful purpose. My wish for you is that you find a way to let go of your guilt over something that was neither your fault nor something you can change. Much love to you.
Thank you.
Happy Birthday, Shea Marie. Your mommy was just a girl when she began dreaming of you, but she has turned into a wonderful woman.
<3
Thank you for sharing this. l miscarried my first baby when l was 7 months along. l still have guilt over what l could have/should have done, many years later. No one understood, and l will remember that horrible time for the rest of my life.
Bless you and your life, and for having the courage you show in your writings.
Blessings and a healing heart to both of us <3
I, perhaps more than most, can feel your pain. I was 18, hiding my pregnancy from everyone but my best friend, and ran away to Chicago to figure out what the hell I was going to do since my boyfriend had left me before I knew I was pregnant. A few bad decisions and a simple mistake sent me in to labor 3 months early. An accident on the way to the hospital (person ran a red light and t-boned my side of the car) and I ended up delivering twin girls. They survived just over a half-hour and died in my arms before the doctors rushed me in to surgery.
((hugs))
Yes, I think you can. Love to you and your girls. I’m so very, very sorry.
No words. Just ♥
I will take <3 anytime :)
Dear Princess, tears are running down my my face….. You´re very brave and an excellent person. I can imagine how hard it is. Time isn´t healing everything; sometimes it just calms it down. You know I had a very clever and experienced dad. He used to tell me, “A man is kicked down by his life many times and he cannot get any revenge. The only thing he can do is to stand up and go on.” Go on girl, <3, xxx !
Loves from the Czech Republic,
Nat
I like that: “A man is kicked down by his life many times and he cannot get any revenge. The only thing he can do is to stand up and go on.” I keep going, pausing sometimes, but still going. XO
Thank you for sharing Shea with us. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, but I carry guilt about things in my past, also. People always tell me I should feel guilt about those things but that doesn’t matter to my head and heart. The guilt is there. I own it whether I want it or not.
Blessings and love to you. I admire your strength and courage to keep moving forward.
that was meant to say people always tell me **not** to feel guilt
I try to not let the guilt over take my life, but it’s there…hidden in the back – never quite gone. <3
Poor princess :( I understand in a way, if I had had my little girl she would’ve been 2 4/13/12, if she was born on her exact due date based on conception, I was stupid and tried to believe everyone was right and I miscarried all alone, afraid to tell anyone and in a ton of pain, I still feel guilty I didn’t do more :( maybe shea is teaching my angelique how to run and blow bubbles, one can hope
Yes, I think she is taking very good care of your angelique <3
My heart breaks for you. Your story reminds me of that quote — the exact words escape me right now, but the message is simply: we cannot ever know the burdens another person carries — treat all as though they have the heaviest.
I wish you peace. xoxo
I love that quote. It is so true.
I love that quote- they are the truest and most accurate words to articulate the process of loss . There are no pills strong enough to to numb losing Shea Marie or to lift the guilt you shoulder. I have no words to help carry you to tomorrow- where you undoubtably will hurt again and wonder the what ifs. I have only these to offer you in hopes that there is some amount of comfort wrapped in them: love, great affection for who you are, who you will grow to be, as a writer and you as a Mom. I wish mine own had loved me just a fraction of the love you have for your baby girl. Much love to you <3
Thank you so much for your kind and wonderful words. <3
Hugs. And lots of love. And hugs. And… love. Did I mention hugs and love?
Thank you so much!
<3 My heart breaks for you!
A similar thing happened to one of my good friends. Her son would have turned 18 this fall. She was going to the hospital to visit her father who was dying of cancer when she was hit by a woman who ran a stop light. Just senseless!
How heart breaking. Much love to her and her family <3
I am at a loss for words….I’m sorry…..so tragic…..I can’t imagine the pain….God Bless you….xoxo♥
Thank you for you words. <3
Wow! I have so many feelings inside right now.
I first want to thank you for the courage to share this. It does hurt to share, & yet I believe it can lesson some of the pain one feels.
“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
Yes, but it’s amazing what one can live through. :(
I do believe Shea has a place in heaven with Jesus, & I pray you know him as well.
There are really no words adequate to describe the pain a parent feels over the death of a child. It’s really too horrible for any words that I know anyway.
I do hope that you have been able to build up some good scar tissue over the enormous gash in your heart over the years. I also pray that you will be able to let go of more guilt. As holding yourself responsible for things that happened will only do you harm.
Shea would probably not want you to feel sad for her. Perhaps she watches 0ver your family now?
I am so thankful that you have found a wonderful man who not only understands but loves you, the boys & Shea as well.
I am glad that your boys are healthy, may they give you so much love & in time perhaps some little prince’s or princess’s as grandchildren.
That will be another level of love, joy, elation & yes some sadness too.
There is always the sadness surrounding the joy & good times as well.
May you remain strong, cling to the good & may the joys outweigh the sorrows.
You are very right about clinging to the good, and my joys do outweigh the sorrow <3
You are not responsible for the accident. This was not your fault.
Thank you <3
Really no words except brave. And incredible.
And on a much more shallow note, how’s Twitter going? I don’t think you’re following me anymore. (Not biggie! Really!) But happy to help if you have questions!
Yep, kind of a shallow note…Twitter? I hate it. LOL! I have not idea why I wouldn’t be following you. I just stinkin’ re-Tweeted one of your Tweets…Well, like a few days ago when I was Tweeting and not on vacation. Weird, but fixed.
I warned you it was shallow ;)
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I went through something similar. When I was 25, I was married to a serious abuser. It was Nov. 22 and I had just learned I was 3 months pregnant. We lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. When abuser came home that night and I told him, he shoved me down 2 flights of stairs and left me there. A neighbor called 911 and as a result of his shove, I lost the baby and he was arrested. I don’t know what I was having but I always pictured in my head that it was a little boy. I do have my daughter who is 7, but my oldest would have just turned 14 and not being able to have anymore makes that loss even harder. Don’t let the guilt get to you, because for years I did that as well. Much <3 sweetie!
The guilt did a number on me for a long time. I’m pretty sure I’m over that part now though. XO
I can feel your pain about the PTSD. Car accidents are my main trigger. I can no longer drive without my Ativan because it induces severe panic attacks. I have miscarried, but I was not even close to full term. Thank you for putting this out there, and for keeping the memory of your baby girl alive <3
Riding in cars is pretty horrifying to me. It’s better when I’m driving, but I hate driving.
I hate it all. I have it all set in my head. I despise intersections, stop lights, anywhere someone has the potential to hit me. I get REALLLLYYYYY jumpy.
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