Mother Freakin’ Pissed

Official training for the Ragnar Relay begins next week.  The Ragnar website gives a pretty good training schedule for ‘one’ to follow.  Here’s the deal though.  I need to be running for 15 minutes at a time, three times a week.  Now, I have been doing a lot of exercising, but I haven’t been really doing much running.  I’m afraid to.  I weigh so much right now.  I don’t want to pull something in my knee, or twist my ankle, or strain something in my gut.  I want to lose weight.  I want to be fit and active.

I made a deal with myself that I would run (okay, it’s really only a jog) in five minute intervals.  I would do it three times during my walk.  I would still be running the fifteen minutes, just not all at once yet.  As I started out my first five minute interval I got pissed.

I’m pissed off that I’m not running the half marathon in the Get In Gear this year (I don’t even know if I will be ready to run *anything* for that race.)  I’m pissed that I gained forty fucking pounds!  I’M MAD THAT I WAS SO MEAN AND BAD TO MY BODY!  CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?! I’M PISSED OFF! I HATE NOT FEELING STRONG WHEN I RUN!  I HATE LOOKING AT THE WATCH, HOPING MY FIVE MINUTES ARE UP SOON!  I DON’T LIKE TRYING TO FIT IN SEVERAL WORKOUTS IN ONE DAY WITHOUT MY BODY SEIZING UP ON ME!  I DON’T ENJOY LOOKING LIKE I AM SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!  I know my strong body, who is hiding under this layer of fat, is in there.  I want her back now.

The last of the five minute intervals was the hardest.  I was tired.  I was spent.  I stopped running.  I walked.  Then a little voice started screaming in my ear.  “Is this hard?” she said.  “Yeah, it’s fucking hard.  It’s a whole lot harder then sitting on the couch, surfing the internet all day, chatting to your friends.  BUT…is it the hardest thing you have ever done?”

“NO, this is not the hardest thing I have ever done.” I said back.  And with tears down my face I picked up the pace and finished my last five minute run of the day.

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9 Replies to “Mother Freakin’ Pissed”

  1. Kimberly, listen to you…. look at what you wrote. I'm crying reading it, because I have been there…and still get to that point. All that writing and you know what I see. YOU FINISHED IT…. YOU STARTED IT AND YOU FINISHED IT. No one can pull your ass off the couch but you. No one can make you walk but you. No one can make you pick it up to a jog pace but you. YOU did it girl. If it takes getting bad and crying….let the teas roll, but on some naughty music and get mad!!! Great job and thanks for writing about it.

  2. I think it is fabulous that you are dedicated to training for this relay and that you are dedicated to getting fit and healthy. I hope that you can now be gentle and kind to yourself through this process. Listen to your body because she truly knows what you can handle and what is too much.

    Just remember to love you for who you are right now. You're doing something wonderful for yourself and I hope you feel very proud of yourself. Let everything else go.

    Thanks for sharing this journey that you are on. It helps me a lot.

  3. I am so proud of you. I love that you are so genuine and real in this process and that you are showing up, even though it is fucking hard. I am so happy and honored to be part of the Ragnar team with you. Thanks for sharing yourself and what you are experiencing and feeling with me.

  4. I love this:

    "BUT…is it the hardest thing you have ever done?"

    "NO, this is not the hardest thing I have ever done." I said back. And with tears down my face I picked up the pace and finished my last five minute run of the day."

    I admire your strength, sudden clarity and perseverance. :)

  5. Pissed is good. Fucking pissed is better. Sometimes you need a little anger to push through to change. Sometimes anger is the best feeling and the only place left to find strength. Embrace it! Now…wait a minute…embrace anger, not negativity (which you're not doing :)).

    You're fucking awesome!

    Kelly

  6. Thank you…to all of you. Andrea and Sandy, we will rock the Ragnar! It is going to be so awesome to run together!

    It feels good to be able to say and feel angry about some of the things I have done over the last six months. It feels good to be 'real' about it. It's true, Kelly, I don't feel negative…but I am pissed.

    Jill, I agree I need to get to that loving place and most of the time I'm there. Today I was just fed up with what has happened physically. Thanks for the reminder of gentleness :)

    Meagan, thanks for your admiration. I did feel strong today, but it was not until I truly felt weak – or at least the part of me that 'had' been weak.

  7. I still think it's okay to be pissed at yourself. You are doing the right things to make up for all the wrong doing over the last year. I think you have every right to make it up to yourself. Just as you would hope your friends would "make it up to you" if they wronged you.

    Keep on rocking it Sissy! You are a Mother Freaking Princess who knows how to work it!

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