Official training for the Ragnar Relay begins next week. The Ragnar website gives a pretty good training schedule for ‘one’ to follow. Here’s the deal though. I need to be running for 15 minutes at a time, three times a week. Now, I have been doing a lot of exercising, but I haven’t been really doing much running. I’m afraid to. I weigh so much right now. I don’t want to pull something in my knee, or twist my ankle, or strain something in my gut. I want to lose weight. I want to be fit and active.
I made a deal with myself that I would run (okay, it’s really only a jog) in five minute intervals. I would do it three times during my walk. I would still be running the fifteen minutes, just not all at once yet. As I started out my first five minute interval I got pissed.
I’m pissed off that I’m not running the half marathon in the Get In Gear this year (I don’t even know if I will be ready to run *anything* for that race.) I’m pissed that I gained forty fucking pounds! I’M MAD THAT I WAS SO MEAN AND BAD TO MY BODY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?! I’M PISSED OFF! I HATE NOT FEELING STRONG WHEN I RUN! I HATE LOOKING AT THE WATCH, HOPING MY FIVE MINUTES ARE UP SOON! I DON’T LIKE TRYING TO FIT IN SEVERAL WORKOUTS IN ONE DAY WITHOUT MY BODY SEIZING UP ON ME! I DON’T ENJOY LOOKING LIKE I AM SIX MONTHS PREGNANT! I know my strong body, who is hiding under this layer of fat, is in there. I want her back now.
The last of the five minute intervals was the hardest. I was tired. I was spent. I stopped running. I walked. Then a little voice started screaming in my ear. “Is this hard?” she said. “Yeah, it’s fucking hard. It’s a whole lot harder then sitting on the couch, surfing the internet all day, chatting to your friends. BUT…is it the hardest thing you have ever done?”
“NO, this is not the hardest thing I have ever done.” I said back. And with tears down my face I picked up the pace and finished my last five minute run of the day.