I’m tense. I’m feeling cagey. I’m angry and distraught. I’m cranky, irritable, and feel distant from people. In between bouts of anger and self-loathing, I feel guilty. I should be counting my blessings (or my unicorns as a blogger friend calls them). I have so much to be thankful for. But instead I’m standing in the entryway of my house, in tears. Not just the misty-eye type tears I normally have, we’re talking full-on-crazy-longing-mourning-hysterical tears. All because…
I mentally and physically crave a bike ride race. I need to feel the wind on my face. I want my legs to scream at me while climbing giant hills. I want to shred rock gardens and jump logs. I want to dare myself to take drops I never thought I could. I want sweat pouring down my face and mud on my tutu. I want to be at the starting line when my boys take off. I want to run to the next spectator area on the track so I can scream and cheer for them again and again. I want to ‘holla’ for my fellow bikers and take pictures of my kid on the podium. I want to eat chicken salad sandwiches near the hot dusty track. I want my calendar full. I want plans. I want reasons why I *need* to take time for myself, not reasons why I can’t.
I miss it so bad it hurts and I’m totally lost without it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to be.
Ah, yes… the unicorns. I hope you get your bike race soon. Travel south if you have to. And I just love the fact that you wear a tutu. That is something I aspire to… not that exactly, but something like it. My own thing, that is as cool as a tutu, you know?
That's an interesting way to feel about a bike race. But i kind of get it.
ficklecattle.blogspot.com
Goofy Mama ~ There will be no racing until May :( Hopefully I can keep my eye on the prize though and stay with my training.
Fickle Cattle ~ Anything in your life that feels like this?
This biking thing is super cool. I'm impressed.
Try to look at it this way…what a fun challenge, to find something as soul stirring in the off season.