The Social Guy moved out this week. He’s 17 and a Sophomore in High School. On one hand it seems like it was way too early for him to start this new chapter in his life…on the other hand it would seem like it wasn’t soon enough.
We love the kid. He loves us. It’s not a huge, dramatic thing, but it could have been. It’s been really peaceful around the house since he left. He came over to visit this morning and within an hour and a half I knew him moving out was the right decision:
His personality is big and bold – probably even bigger and bolder since he left. He came in and started rough-housing with The Brainiac and wouldn’t settle down. He distracted his sister from her studies. He asked to drive my car when I took him to pick up a friend. He left candy and candy wrappers out on the table. He decided against having lunch and instead grabbed chips out of the pantry and ate them out of the bag. He dropped chips on the floor and hollered for the dog. I told him the dog was downstairs and he just left the chips on the floor.
Then he told a story to The Brainiac (who is 10) and The Artist (who is 16) about a friend of his at work who moved out of his parents’ house. This friend came for a visit on Christmas and decided to open a window in his room and smoke pot. The friend got busted and his parents kicked him out. The Social Guy says, “What kind of parents kick their kid out on Christmas?”
My blood is now boiling. I say, “What kind of kid smokes pot in his parents’ house?!?!?”
The Social Guy continues to talk about his friend and how this friend used to be a drug dealer. The Social Guy starts to brag about how this friend used to make $60,000 a day selling drugs. Me? I’m trying to hold it together so I won’t scream at him to shut the fuck up…
The story continues with The Social Guy saying that his friend got busted because he was giving free drugs away at a fair and the police saw him. His friend had to go to jail for a little bit. The Social Guy continues on and on about how sex, drugs, and violence rule the world….by now I’ve had enough.
“MATT!”, I scream, “ENOUGH!”
His ride comes just a few seconds later. My blood pressure is through the roof. We say good-bye and he leaves the front door wide open as he leaves…
Do you have any experience with a teen moving out before they are ‘supposed to’? How about how to transition from being a parent of a minor to being a parent of a young adult? Maybe you just want to wish me ‘good-luck’…
Damn. These transitional years can be tough especially when we see them making bad decisions. All we can do is let them know we will catch them most of the time but that sometimes we’re going to let them fall on their asses so they make better choices the next time.
Thanks Kelly.
Good luck, sweetie. No two kids are the same, so there is no one-size-fits-all advice. If his presence there is harmful to your other kids, and if you made the decision because it’s what was best for your WHOLE family, then it was the right one.
I’m sorry you and your family have to face such a tough decision. *hugs*
Thanks for the support. It means a lot.
Dear MFP,
I understand that it is a difficult time for your family. My reaction to your post is this:
It is your house. Your rules. If you are ok with him “choosing” not to eat lunch with everyone and helping himself to the pantry, then it is ok. Myself, I would have a problem with him disrespecting your family by telling obviously untrue stories about the big money his friend made as a drug dealer to kids who probably look up to him. You mentioned he asked to use the car, I wonder if you allowed him to do that?? Personally, if I had moved out of my folks’ house and gone back to litter the place up, leave the mess, eat, and tell grandiose stories about drug dealers to my younger brother and sister I am pretty sure the door would have been locked the next time I tried to “visit”.
I realize that this is all new ground for your family but for everyone’s sake I think you need to establish some ground rules.
Exactly Gene. Thanks for the support. I have actually been afraid to post about it because I wasn’t ready for any sort of “you need to relax more and not be so rigid in your rules….” kind of thing.
*laughs* My suggestion for the people who tell you to relax and not be so rigid is to get their address so you can send “The Social Guy” to “visit” them! xx
I came back today to watch your video and read your words again, and it brings up so much pain. I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ve been there. I just want to let you know that it can get better. Maybe this will help–it might seem odd, but my 38 year old son just moved across the country to move in with me to help me with my medical issues. I am nearly immobile, but with his help, I have gotten out of the house for the first time in months-other than going to the emergency room! He is cooking for me–much healthier stuff than I could get on my own, cleaning, and helping me to get out and enjoy the world. The help has changed my attitude and my health issues–I cannot find words to express what this means to me. I didn’t ask him for help, in fact, I downplayed my problems, but he saw through me. Don’t think for a second that we haven’t had any turmoil–he’s changed his life to be with me and help me, and I have had to accept some changes that were not easy for me, but overall, this experience has changed us both for the better, and I’ve found that when I am with him on a daily basis, I am really proud of who he has become, and how he has chosen to live his life. When he was your son’s age, he got into a lot of stuff I didn’t approve of, and things just got so bad between us that I felt we would never find our way back to each other. But with age, even the most childish of us can grow up! I know you must be worried to death about what he is up to, but try to just roll with it–keep your rules intact–do NOT let him do that to your family. I hope that your story will have a happy ending-not perfect, but working towards a relationship on some level! And most of all, DO NOT let yourself fall into the ‘what did I do wrong?’ trap!! Kids have to find their way in life, and he will succeed or fail based only on how/what he chooses to do. Good luck and best wishes for happiness with him-don’t give in, but don’t give up!
Thank you for this Cindy, and I won’t give in or give up. XO