Big Ain’t Always Beautiful

I don’t exactly know how to say this, but there’s something on my mind that’s been bugging me:

There are a lot of people in the bloggesphere taking on body image and how big/fat/heavy people are beautiful too. And while I ‘get’ the Big is Beautiful and Love Yourself How You Are campaign, I’m gonna tell ya that I am flat out ashamed of how my body looks.

Do you know why? It isn’t because I feel like I should look like a super model – I don’t. It isn’t because cute clothes aren’t made in my size – they are. It isn’t because my husband tells me I’m ugly – He tells me I’m beautiful every day.

I’m ashamed because my 50ish extra pounds are visible signs of the stops I make at fast food restaurants between lunch and dinner. Those pounds show the world the extra helpings of food I take. My weight is proof of the many glasses of wine I drink at night. You look at me and you know I have double snacks between meals and I eat while I’m cooking.

I’m not fat because of a medical condition. I’m not fat because of the occasional ‘guilty pleasure’ meal. I’m fat because I medicate myself with food.

This is one of the worst photos of me ever. I have no make-up on and I have 'bed-head'...You're just lucky I'm wearing real jeans and not my Pajama Jeans :)

Audrey Hepburn once said, “I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.”

I feel like when you look at me, you can see my demons – and that’s not pretty.

P.S. In NO way am I saying that people who are fat (like me) are ugly. This post is only a reflection of myself and my own challenges self-medicating with food.


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53 Replies to “Big Ain’t Always Beautiful”

  1. I feel this way EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I yo-yo and can’t seem to keep my weight down. Thanks for expressing and “telling on yourself”. You are much braver than I and I salute you for it. Hugs to us both!

  2. The fact your able to post this and tell your truth says your already on the road to a “healing”. We all have demons of some sort or another, some just hide them better than others. My wife was a health freak for a long time, she lost so much weight, I asked her to stop, but she loved it! She danced naked on the back of the couch, leaving her fingerprints on the ceiling. Still there today. After 15 years of battling her illness, she succumbed to a failing heart. She gained back the weight she lost and more, to where you had to look deep in her eyes to see the shell of the woman she was before. But the best thing happened along the way. She lost the vanity. She was a richer, warmer, more sharing person as a result of her journey, as you are today. Good luck in making yourself happy, that’s all that matters. Your readers are going to be here all the same, and better for your sharing. I would give my tomorrows for one more day with Kathleen.

    1. I weigh over 200 pounds. Mostly I am sad that my self-medication with food is so obvious because of the extra weight.

  3. Sweat!!!! I new I was not alone having this issue. I too STRUGGLE, with this same feeling every day. I love to find snacks here and there , comfort in food, and I too nibble while cooking. Thank you for sharing this. We some times put on the face that we don’t care what others think or may not think , but deep down in side we all feel this way . I could not have explained it any better. Maybe this is why we don’t judge a book by it’s cover instead we embrace it . Have a great day and ((Hugs)) to you for just being you.

  4. There is nothing worse than feeling miserable from being trapped the inside of all this extra padding, and I know where you are coming from!! I hate exercise and I love food and that is why I am fat! There may be a genetic predisposition there, but I activated it with my love of food and lack of movement. I am at the disgusted point again, so once again I am working on paring down some of the extra layers of my shame. The struggle continues.

  5. I think that you are absolutely beautiful just the way you are. If I saw you on the street, the word “fat” would honestly not come to my mind. I would think “she has great hair and a beautiful smile, I bet she is a very interesting person.” No lie, we are always harder on ourselves than we need to be. Own your beauty, because you are beautiful!

  6. This is brave of you to post this my friend. And I understand what you’re saying. Being overweight is a symptom of inner pain, and you’re on your way to fixing that. Hugs and love to you.

  7. Yes. This is me. If “Heavy yet confident girls are beautiful” then what are heavy yet insecure women approaching 40? And most cute clothes don’t come in my size. And the one’s that do, are made for those confident, young, heavy girls who are proud of their curves. I WANT to be thinner, more healthy, more confident, etc. But I also want cheesecake….

  8. Great post. I don’t believe there is one women who can’t relate to what you have written, no matter their size. It’s damn hard to maintain self-worth in this culture. (I know we disagree on this but I can’t believe all that damn reality TV constantly showing people at their worst and judging each other helps :))

    Yes, you are beautiful. That’s all I see.

    1. Thanks Kelly. The Biggest Loser did inspire me to post this. The contestants go on national t.v. and ‘tell all’. I figured I could at least ‘tell all’ on the internet? :)

  9. Kudos to you MFP….Your “realness” does shine through and that, my dear, is one of the most beautiful features one person can have…..Thanks for sharing your beauty ;)….xoxo♥

  10. See now, THIS is what makes you The MFP. You are amazingly beautiful. When I saw the picture you posted I smiled a big smile. I didn’t see the no make-up or the bedhead. I did however notice the real jeans. ;) All I saw was my friend. You are great. I love that we struggle with the same issues. (I don’t love that we have issues, but I think you get my point)
    You are gorgeous no matter how you medicate. Muah!

  11. I love this ;) this is how I feel. Thanks for sharing. I am definitley a lover of food. my body shows it as well it is something I am working on.

  12. Thanks for this. I have had similar thoughts lately when seeing the “big is beautiful” posts. I just didn’t have the guts to spell it out. Well done, and here’s to becoming healthy, not skinny. (P.S. I LOVE your hair!)

  13. Just have to ask… how tall are you? If you are over 200 pounds you must be 6’3″!!! I am 190ish and 5’4″….a bit of a dumpling look going on here, with a side of muffin top….and more chins than China….

  14. Loved the honesty of this post. And how I wish I had the courage to write on my own blog about struggles from the opposite direction. That my size is a visible reminder that I control myself with food. That I use the absence of food to self-medicate. That I lose five pounds every time I get upset or stressed. That I have to “force” myself to make up the weight lost–and feel guilty about every extra item of food I put in and every time I see the scale go up, even though I know it’s for the good.

    That I hate hearing from friends and strangers, “You’re so lucky. I wish I could be like you.”

    No. You don’t. You have no idea.

    (I could write a lot more. It’s so much more complicated than this. Someday I will . . . but not on my own page . . . too many IRL people with whom I don’t want to discuss this. Ever notice how it’s easier to talk about issues with strangers than with close family?)

  15. I feel the same way! I am currently on this kick where I write down ALL food I eat. And I am *trying* to get more active, which is difficult when it is rainy, but I am trying! I could probably stand to lose 100 pounds and if I did, I’d probably look sick…so I’m just gonna stick with what I’m doing and see how it goes. Oh, and I also joined a “Biggest Loser” contest at work…it should be fun!

  16. I wish I had something clever to say, but I don’t. So just let me say I <3 you. Whether you're 200 lbs or 150 lbs. I love what's inside. (And the pink hair.)

  17. Once again, very well done. With two daughters I am careful to always say we need to be healthy not skinny. I understand what you are saying about your body. It is a struggle to not only be happy with oneself but to tune out everyone around you – too heavy or too thin or exactly on target, someone will always provide unsolicited commentary, and sometimes that “someone” is our own brain. Thanks for sharing this and letting so many women know they are not alone.

    1. “someone will always provide unsolicited commentary, and sometimes that “someone” is our own brain.” How very true. Nice job on talking to your daughters on being healthy not skinny.

  18. I think it’s a very honest post and understand how this can make you feel rotten. In connection, I have three kids (2 b, 1 g) who I worry about how I am influencing their self image everyday with comments, food choices, exercise opportunities.

  19. Hooo boy. You are really hitting a nerve. I am struggling to lose weight – genes, prozac and aging are all obstacles for me. Similar to most. But in addition to being down on myself because of the weight, I sometimes add to that burden by being down on myself for being down on myself about the weight! So, I’m mad that I have the extra weight, and I’m mad at myself for being mad about it! That I’m not a “I love myself the way I am” kind of girl. I have to remind myself that it’s enough to deal with being unhappy about the weight, and not to add the disappointment in myself that I’m not better adjusted about it.

    Sorry to ramble – hope that makes sense. Not offering any words of wisdom, here, just empathy and gratitude for the truth you’re speaking. :-)

  20. mehh… i think you’re beautiful just the way you are. you aren’t all that fat :)
    that being said, i do applaud you for this very brave, very honest post!

  21. I believe you have spoken the words that have been trapped in my brain for the last three and a half years. I had two littles back to back and Im 60lbs over my heaviest. Not pleased at all. But what do I do about it? Eat.
    Thanks for your honest words.

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