Allergic to Sanity, really!?!?

*****I’m continuing to write and post about my battle with depression, not for sympathy or attention¹, but in hopes that if WE all talk about it, WE will all get strength from knowing that we are not alone. When I write about this it reminds me of Anna Nalick’s song “Breath”….mostly these lines:

“2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to”


*****

A few weeks ago I developed a rash. A few weeks ago I started on Prozac. As the weeks went by, my rash turned into full blown hives that started to crawl up my neck and onto my face. We *think* I’m allergic to the Prozac.

I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Okay, so I’m probably allergic to Prozac. There are a LOT of other options out there, right? Plus, how do I even know if the Prozac was really working. I mean, I’ve felt okay the last few weeks, but it’s not like I felt all magical and rainbow-lish-ous, with glitter running through my veins or anything. I stopped the Prozac and picked up a new prescription.

I’ve been off the Prozac for a little over a week now and I started the new meds a few days ago. Um…yeah…the Prozac was working….I feel like shit. I’m irritable. I’m cranky. I want to just.go.away. I want everyone to just.go.away.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m trying. I’m counting my blessings. I’ve been biting my tongue (mostly). I’m doing the ‘right’ things. I’m exercising and eating healthy. I’m sober. I was able to have The Artist’s boyfriend over for dinner on Friday night and we hosted a Birthday sleep-over for The Brainiac on Saturday night. I remind myself throughout the day how wonderful my family is, that I love my husband, my kids, my sister, and all of my family.

Then The Voice says shit like, “Yeah, your life is fine and you have nothing to complain about. So why are you depressed? You’re such a spoiled baby. You have everything and still it’s not enough. There are people out there that are really suffering. They don’t have jobs! They’ve lost loved ones! They are really sick! They are alone. You? You have nothing to complain about. YOU have a fantastic husband and great children². YOU have an amazing sister and extended family. YOU have a nice house that is clean and kept warm. YOU have organic food and cars that are drive-able. YOU have friends and Facebook Fans. YOU have a blog with regular readers. YOU have it all. Now what exactly is YOUR problem again?!?!?”

And I think about those thoughts circling in my head and I start to believe them. What the hell is my problem?

I spend the nights laying on the couch with tears pouring down my face, as Nathan strokes my hair and tells me that he loves me.

I hope the new meds kick in soon…

~TheMFP

¹The Voice is telling me that I’m writing for sympathy and attention. I am telling you (and The Voice) that I write ‘for me’ but, my hope is that my words will help someone else. 

²Let’s ignore my feelings about the estranged child…

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30 Replies to “Allergic to Sanity, really!?!?”

  1. Some of the “work” you are doing is going to come out in ways you can’t possibly foresee. If anything at least your voice HAS a voice. That is so much better than sitting alone while trying to sort through each emotion as if it could be understood in isolation . Good post.

  2. You are strong and it is important to share because you can help others with your openness and strength. Much love to you, my fabulous friend! **hugs** <3

  3. We all forget that *true* depression is a mental illness. It has nothing to do with what we have, what we don’t have. It has nothing to do with not appreciating what we have. It is not a choice. It is an illness. No different than cancer or thyroid problems or any other host of illnesses that we can get.

    The Voice is that illness talking. I had to try several meds to find one that worked for me. And several doses of those meds. There was one that made me feel really bad & I got right off it. But I’ve been on several over the last 11 years. On & off them. (Currently off.) It isn’t an easy road to travel, but being open about it helps other people as well.

  4. Oh honey I’m right there with you. My “Voice” has been working overtime as well. Mostly due to the effects of other meds that were recently added for my auto-immune diseases as well as school stresses. I’ve been finding myself saying “NO, NO” out loud, usually at night. If I let it have control, I know that I will be crying for hours. We have to remember that we are amazing people who are more than the mean things the Voice tells us. Please continue to share about your journey. It reminds people like me that we are not alone in our struggles. {HUGS}

    1. “we are amazing people who are more than the mean things the Voice tells us” Thank you for your words of encouragement and to know that I am not alone. XO

  5. Thanks for having the guts to talk about depression because maybe if we were to talk about depression openly more people would get the help they need.

    After my Mama, who was my best friend ever, died as I was giving her CPR basically in my arms, my friends stepped up and said “Girl you need help!”. I had friends who said meds weren’t needed and it was in my head.

    Well no crap, it’s a voice that sometimes helps you and sometimes tears you down. I give you kuddos for standing up and also just for admitting you are human. Something we cannot explain when it comes to depression, the evil illness it is.

  6. I wish I could hug you! I too, suffer this wretched disease. I am not on medication, I am dealing with alot right now, and it is in overdrive. It is cloudy today and I didn’t even feel like taking a shower, so I sat and bawled about it. My husband is a SAINT, who does the same thing as yours, rubs my head, or rubs my back while I cry myself to sleep trying to figure out how I really feel. He asks me what is wrong and I tell him I am sad, he asks if I want to talk about why I am sad and I say, “If I could I would, I don’t know why I am sad, that is part of the problem”. I was on Lexapro once, for 2 months, it made me an ice queen, emotionless……I hated it so I stopped taking it, that was like 8 years ago. I have managed to put on so much depression weight I can’t look at myself in a photo. I am really good at putting on the happy face though, I have mastered being whoever I need to be for whoever I need to be it for……..thus, losing who I really am. Hang in there girl……you are not alone, I am grateful you have the courage to talk about it.

    1. I am hopeful because there are so many more choices now for medication. After feeling ‘normal’ for even just a bit I ache for The Voice to shut the hell up. Many thanks for saintly husbands <3

  7. Been there, been there.

    Been there.

    I know it’s not fun, but I do know it’s overcomeable (I’m not sure that’s even a word…but you get it). It just takes lots of you being patient with you.

    And letting others love you.

    You’re not alone, sister…certainly not alone.

  8. I totally understand where you are coming from. I have just recently started taking prozac again after being off of meds for about a year now. I have no self esteem left and I hope it will get better. I have realized that I cannot do it by myself and that I need help. I have spent so many years of my life being that “crazy” girl and I am so tired of it. It is nice to know that other ppl are out there going thru what I am. It can only get better from here…

  9. I know the evil voice of depression all too well. I have major depression. Thank you for your courage to express how this relentless enemy tries to attack. Your voice sounds very similar to mine.

  10. Great job for writing it all out, girl. The Voice is an evil, lying, bitch. I hope your new meds kick in soon. Much much love to you. <3

  11. Your words echo fiercely in my head. Up until a few weeks ago I was in a depression that lasted years. I didn’t even realized I was depressed until I realized, after beating myself up for being a worthless human, that I had exactly zero interests. Not my kids, hubs, nothing. I was barely surviving. A couple of weeks ago I wanted to give up, I felt beaten down and said enough is enough, I need to go get help. About this same time I added CoQ10 supplements because I read they were supposed to be good for fatigue, and I was so tired. Always. Whoever wrote about it said they saw increased energy after a few weeks. I did too. I also started to feel human again. The sadness went away. I wanted to do things. Oh. My. Gosh. I realized I wasn’t depressed anymore, then I realized the ONLY thing I was doing differently was the CoQ10. I’m going to blog about this one of these days, but I wanted to say “thanks.” We do need to share. It helps us realize we aren’t alone and others struggle with us. I think you’re pretty freakin’ awesome. :)

    1. It’s hard to stop the beating ourselves up part. I’m glad you found something that helped you. (Searching CoQ10 now…)

  12. Thank you for writing so openly about your thoughts, feelings, & experiences showing us-your readers-that we are not alone and admitting we need help is ok…Your courage is inspiring….I’ve been diagnosed with Severe ADHD, Mild Tourette’s Syndrome, P.T.S.D., Depressive Disorder NOS, Anxiety/panic disorders…and yes even PPD with 2 of my 4 children, survived decades of physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse/tortures at the hands of several monsters….raped at the age of 11 by a friend’s father, anorexic by 15, I refused treatments and therapy until my world exploded…the father of my younger 2 had sexually molested my 13 yr old daughter, Child Protective Services got involved and it was then that I was court ordered into the STOP Program and counseling, I’ve been in therapy for almost 7yrs now, I’ve become a stronger, independent and more confident Mom and woman but still felt as if I needed to do something, not knowing what until I started reading your blogs…I wish I’d had my video camera rolling when I told my therapist I was ready to be a guest speaker—sharing my journey from “VICTIM”-> into therapy, treatment, recovery -> becoming a productive, confident, capable,”SURVIVOR” @ women’s shelters/ victim’s support groups, the STOP program’s AMAC /POV support group—Adults Molested(sexually abused/raped) As Children/Parents Of Victims, etc.. Her Jaw dropped open, speechless for several minutes, as a tear rolled down her face she asked me “did you just say what I think you did?I didn’t imagine it?”…I told her about your blog, how you write about your daily ups and downs, even the darker feelings, showing others they are not alone, giving us, your readers that little light of hope & the courage to seek help….how I struggling to understand why these horrifying things to happened to me…..your courage and openness led me to my answer: I had to walk thru Hell and pull myself up out of that black abyss so I could help others do the same :)…I now know what I want to do with my life…I just enrolled in community college to become a social worker…I will keep going part time after I get that degree to get my degree in psychology…I want to work with families and individuals dealing with domestic violence-be it verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse—who better to assist them through this than someone who has dealt with it all, right?. when I looked up my therapist was crying…she said “You are one of a very few of our patients that have gotten to this level…too many stay locked in the victim role”
    So, thank you, for sharing and helping us, your readers…I’ll be speaking to my 1st group this Saturday….I am so nervous, yet excited

    1. Wow. I’m mostly speechless. Thank you for your generous compliments. This is one of the first things I read this morning and I have goosebumps reading part of your story. You are a light. You are amazing. I’m excited for you to share and help others. I’ll be thinking of you Saturday, sending you healing thoughts and hope.

      1. Saturday was amazing!! I was extremely nervous and I thought for sure I was going to toss my cookies…:) when I walked into that room and looked around I saw me in each face…I forgot about being nervous. My only thought was I have been there and I can show them thru my story that they too are survivors, they can have it all, they can break the cycle of abuse and teach their kids a better way….my 21 yr old son came with me and as I finished he stood and asked the group if he could say a few words…he told our story from his viewpoint…and wow…..boxes of tissues were emptied in record times…afterwards we stayed to talk one on one with the women and they had as many if not more questions for him as they did for me…he was 14 when I finally got into therapy and broke my cycle….alot of the moms there seemed to be more motivated by his words than by mine :) BUT the best part???…my daughter who was molested by younger siblings father???….She asked if she too, can go with us this Friday to speak to an AMAC/POV group….my therapist was amazed at how gentle and quiet my son is despite his height and stature…he was able to make each woman there feel comfortable enough to talk to him and ask him questions about how abuse against the mother affects the kids…It was a good night ll around :)

        1. I have been wondering how it went! Really, you are amazing. I am so happy that you were able to get help, strengthen your family, and also help others in need. You. Are. Simply. Amazing.

  13. It was your courage to write so candidly about your own daily struggles that finally set off that AH HA moment for me…I hope to do the same for someone else…I’ll take any chance I get to “PAY IT FORWARD”…and hey if I happen to rack up some positive Karma points while doing it then I am even more Blessed :)
    I was more overcome by my children’s response than anything else :) They have overcome so much to become amazing adults…the cycle wasn’t just broken it has indeed been completely annihilated :)

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