*****I’m continuing to write and post about my battle with depression, not for sympathy or attention¹, but in hopes that if WE all talk about it, WE will all get strength from knowing that we are not alone. When I write about this it reminds me of Anna Nalick’s song “Breath”….mostly these lines:
“2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to”
A few weeks ago I developed a rash. A few weeks ago I started on Prozac. As the weeks went by, my rash turned into full blown hives that started to crawl up my neck and onto my face. We *think* I’m allergic to the Prozac.
I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Okay, so I’m probably allergic to Prozac. There are a LOT of other options out there, right? Plus, how do I even know if the Prozac was really working. I mean, I’ve felt okay the last few weeks, but it’s not like I felt all magical and rainbow-lish-ous, with glitter running through my veins or anything. I stopped the Prozac and picked up a new prescription.
I’ve been off the Prozac for a little over a week now and I started the new meds a few days ago. Um…yeah…the Prozac was working….I feel like shit. I’m irritable. I’m cranky. I want to just.go.away. I want everyone to just.go.away.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m trying. I’m counting my blessings. I’ve been biting my tongue (mostly). I’m doing the ‘right’ things. I’m exercising and eating healthy. I’m sober. I was able to have The Artist’s boyfriend over for dinner on Friday night and we hosted a Birthday sleep-over for The Brainiac on Saturday night. I remind myself throughout the day how wonderful my family is, that I love my husband, my kids, my sister, and all of my family.
Then The Voice says shit like, “Yeah, your life is fine and you have nothing to complain about. So why are you depressed? You’re such a spoiled baby. You have everything and still it’s not enough. There are people out there that are really suffering. They don’t have jobs! They’ve lost loved ones! They are really sick! They are alone. You? You have nothing to complain about. YOU have a fantastic husband and great children². YOU have an amazing sister and extended family. YOU have a nice house that is clean and kept warm. YOU have organic food and cars that are drive-able. YOU have friends and Facebook Fans. YOU have a blog with regular readers. YOU have it all. Now what exactly is YOUR problem again?!?!?”
And I think about those thoughts circling in my head and I start to believe them. What the hell is my problem?
I spend the nights laying on the couch with tears pouring down my face, as Nathan strokes my hair and tells me that he loves me.
I hope the new meds kick in soon…
¹The Voice is telling me that I’m writing for sympathy and attention. I am telling you (and The Voice) that I write ‘for me’ but, my hope is that my words will help someone else.
²Let’s ignore my feelings about the estranged child…