Do you want the red pill or the blue pill?

Let’s continue this theme of keeping things real about mental health:

Even though the appointments with my new psychologist (I like to call her “Karin The Phsyco…therapist”) are going great, we’re all in agreement that I could really benefit from medication. So yesterday I had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist. We’ll call her “Marie” because that’s her name and I can’t come up with anything sassy to call her yet.

My first appointment with Marie went well, considering that it’s a bit unsettling to unload the “Readers Digest” version of your life to someone you just met. I ended up using that last of her kleenex¹ and we joked about how she should charge by the kleenex for her sessions. Just as I thought I had this appointment under control she said:

“If I could give you a pill, right now, that could do anything for you…what would it do?”

And that question took my breathe away.  blue red pills

I mean, I *know* that I’m in her office to get medication to help with my depression, but the frankness of the question really threw me off.

Because it sounded like a dangerous question.

Marie wasn’t asking me if I’d take a pill to bring about world peace or end poverty. She was asking me what that pill would do for ME. If she could give me a pill, right now, that would do ANYTHING FOR ME, what would it be?

After a bit of silence, she added that there wasn’t a wrong answer and that I could take my time. I’m pretty sure she lied about the first part. There had to be a right answer. And I know she lied about the last part. My insurance company wouldn’t pay her for hours upon hours as I sat there and figured out the right thing to say. After a few moments of my brain racing to try to figure out the right answer, this is all I could come up with:

“It would make me enjoy life again?”

I mean I should’ve probably said something like; “Make me smarter, sexier, thinner, richer, more popular”…but no, I spouted out “enjoy life again?” And yeah, I said it like it was a question. The appointment ended shortly after that. She sent my prescription² to Target and I left her office feeling unsettled, but ready for whatever help was to come.


¹I didn’t really take her last kleenex. She had a whole stash of Kirkland brand tissues behind her desk.

²Turns out my pills are neither red or blue, they’re kind of a brownish-yellowish-puke color. I guess we’ll find out in a few weeks if I answered the question right?


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Do you remember that *pinky promise* I gave to you back in November?

Yeah, I didn’t remember it either. It was back when I quit the “write a novel in a month thing” and decided I was going to do the “blog everyday for a month” thing, which I also quit. Which, if you know me, isn’t a surprise. I have all sorts of awesome plans in my mind that I never actually fulfill, BUT that’s a whole different blog post.

You know what I did like about one of those posts back in November? I liked this:

I want this space to be a place of acceptance, self-care, fun, laughter, creativity, and most of all self-exploration.

You see, this blog is good for me. And I need to remember that sentence up there and come here even when I’m in a dark and scary spot. Because the last few months have been a bit really dark and scary. (Don’t worry though¹. I’m “okay” even if I’m “not okay”.) Sure, I’ve written about The Deep Dark Hole before, but that was more situational than my general depression. Right now my general depression is kicking my ass. And because of brave people like:

  • My friend AM~Erica Says So, who continues to write about her struggles and has become such an activist for mental health
  • Wentworth Miller, who opened up about his depression when he stumbled upon a body shaming meme written about him.

Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time. This one, however, stands out from the…

Posted by Wentworth Miller on Monday, March 28, 2016



I am finding myself drawn to being more public about my struggles. It’s a scary thought. Being open with the world about how my mind struggles, even on the best of best days. I mean, some people who know me might not actually know just how much my mind struggles. I don’t want to scare them. But I need to remember, that this place here is good for me. Not just the good and fun times, but also the dark and scary times, right?


¹Plus, I’m interviewing a new therapist today. That should be fun?

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Hellz Yeah I’m The Mother Freakin’ Unicorn?

A couple weeks ago I blogged about the book Sparkle¹ and I mentioned that I got a job at a coffee shop² and how I pretty much love the job. I work with super great people and I’ve even figured out how to get our manager to let us wear tutus instead of ugly aprons…srsly…how freakin’ cool is that?!?!?

But just like any job, there are a few things that aren’t so cool. One of the those things is that we have to sell our brand’s specialty coffee. It’s a tough job. Most people who come to our store don’t buy coffee to brew at home. So our store has partnered up with the local hospital and Beyond the Yellow Ribbon in Chaska in an effort to let our customers donate coffee instead of buying it for themselves.

Our customers have done a fantastic job supporting the unicorn kimberlycancer center and our veterans with their coffee donations, but we’re all getting a little worn down with all the specialty coffees we need to unload. Last week I had a mini-brilliant idea and asked my manager how much coffee I needed to sell in order to wear a unicorn costume to work. She said ten pounds and I was all…HOLY CRAP! I GET TO BE A UNICORN AT WORK! I KNOW I CAN SELL 10 FREAKIN’ POUNDS!

And of course I sold over ten pounds.

And of course I get to be a unicorn at work next week.

I get to be a freakin’ unicorn…at work.



¹Um. I still haven’t finished that book. She kinda lost my in chapter three, but I *pinky promise* I’m going to pick the book up and finish it today. Really. I’m going to do it!

²It’s in our company policy that I should say something like “The views expressed in this post (and all past or future posts) do not reflect the company I work for. They are my own personal opinions. Blah blah blah…”

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Close enough is good enough for me.

Well, I made 16 out of the 30 posts for that whole Blog Once a Day for a Month thing. I felt bad about not making my goal for about 48 seconds. Then I thought about how I had spent my time the last few days: working, hanging out with friends, reading, watching movies with the family, taking bubble baths, cooking a turkey pot pie, and keeping up with the house. After all that, I’m feeling alright about not making the NaBloPoMo goal. Plus, I’m a little tired of writing something just to write something. That kind of writing bores the crap out of me. LOL!

So, let’s get back to focusing on why I’m here again, and it’s NOT to write crappy posts so I can complete some sort of challenge. It’s for this:

Cloud 2

I certainly don’t regret my attempt at NaBloPoMo and I’m not saying I won’t try it again next year, but if I do decide to give it another shot, I think it’d be in everyone’s best interest if I took a bit of time BEFORE November and made an actual plan¹.

For those of you bloggers who are still in the game, congrats! (And keep on blogging!)


¹Plan? Who even does that?!?!?

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Sparkle: A book I’m reading but haven’t finished yet.

A while ago, I picked up the book “Sparkle: A girl’s guide to living a deliciously dazzling, wildly effervescent, kick-ass life.” by Cara Alwill Leyba.

For what ever reason, I never even opened the book sparkleafter Amazon delivered it. It just sat on the bookshelf, hiding until it caught my eye yesterday while I was dusting. I picked the book up, put the duster down, and decided that I should grab some Mermaid Mix and take a bath – vacuuming could wait, right?

I’m about half-way through the book and I’m really enjoying it. It’s a light read, but still one of those books that gets you thinking. One of the things Cara asks in her book is “What makes YOU sparkle?”

For me, that’s a tricky question. For sure having adventures and doing cool things like mountain bike racing in a tutu or running an almost 200 mile relay race in a prom dress makes me super sparkly. But those are pretty big things, things you can’t do everyday or even every month. So I’ve been trying to put my finger on what kinds of things make me sparkle everyday and it’s kind of a tricky thing…

It makes me sparkle when I brighten someone else’s day. Whether it’s a quick text, glittery “thinking of you” card, a give-away, connecting with you on my Facebook page/blog, or a smile as I pass out a cup of coffee. That makes me sparkle.

Oh. Wait. I don’t think I mentioned it, but a few months ago I got a job at the local coffee shop. I pretty much rock the drive-thru there and I put smiles on LOTS of people’s faces every morning. Due to an unfortunate health setback, I had to take a couple weeks off. It’s been hard. I miss the rush of seeing so many smiles and I miss the amazing co-workers I have there.

But I got to go back today! It was a really short shift, but I got to see a lot of the regulars and of course I got to see some of my kick butt co-workers too. I felt a little awkward and I wasn’t exactly my usual sparkly self.

IMG_3059A couple hours after I left for the day, my manager sent me a text. Apparently someone had sent me flowers at work.

I was shocked and surprised (and super curious as to who the flowers were from too) so I went back to work to check them out.

Low and behold, one of the “regulars” had sent me a pretty Fall bouquet¹ with a simple note, saying that he was happy I was back. And knowing that I make someone else’s day a little brighter, makes me sparkle. :)

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what make you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

So how about you? What makes YOU sparkle? And how can you get your sparkle on today?


¹I can’t tell you how relieved I was when I opened the flower paper and saw that it was a nice Fall bouquet and not something creepy like roses. *whew*





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