When I started writing this post, I wrote on and on about how it’s so irritating being me sometimes, but then I had to put the post on hold while I ran Kade to his friend’s house and met up with a new therapist¹. I got home and decided that my original post was too long and whiny. Let’s just cut the crap and get down to business.
And it’s wearing me out.
On Tuesday I mentioned to a friend that I would just really, really like to be someone else. You know, someone who’s easy breezy, way less controlling, and high strung than myself. Someone who can take criticism easily and not need things to be a certain way. Someone who takes chances and really puts themselves out there.
Just. not. me.
Then on Wednesday, I think I had a break through at family counseling. Jessica, The Family Therapist, started talking about choosing. It’s kinda the same thing Nathan has tried to helped me see before, but for whatever reason I needed to drive a half hour to Jessica’s office and pay her $55 in order for it to make sense.
Basically, I can choose. I have that power and I use that power everyday. I just need to start making different choices. Sure, it sounds simple enough, but we all know that just because you know you can choose differently, this doesn’t mean you do. Sometimes even if we know it, we still can’t do it. But what ever…I’m diverging.
Later on that day I got an email from my sister:
“I especially like this quote because it talks about becoming the person you “are”, not who you want to be. I like the thought of being you, being your best you.
Just wanted to share.
You see, I’m not feeling like “me” lately and I’m certainly not feeling like the best me. I’ve been in so much physical and mental pain in the last three years. I haven’t been able to heal from it. So I’ve pulled back and withdrew my love, affection, and attention from people.
I’ve been distancing myself for so long that I can’t figure out how to stop. Sure, I’ve made an effort. I go to our weekly homeschool group and I haven’t exactly avoided all social gatherings, but I can’t say that I’ve actually been participating either.
Last night my friend, Jean, shared this link from Momastery: This is What Brave Means
It was as though all of these things were pieces of a puzzle that was coming together slowly, but clearly they went together:
I haven’t been brave.
I’ve forgotten that I’m Imperfect & I’m Enough.
And even though I’ve been through (and I’m still going through) so much transition, I need to remind myself that perfection isn’t reality and how I am – how ever fucking sensitive I am – I don’t need to change a single thing.
Even if being sensitive is hard and scary sometimes, it’s a part of who I am. Hiding that part of me, or wishing it away, isn’t brave. Accepting that part of me? Now that’s brave.
Are there parts of you that you’re hiding or wishing away? Let’s not only be brave together, but let’s do our best to support each other too:
“You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing”
¹Change of insurance means a change in therapists. I was kinda hoping to keep Dana, The Therapist, but she’s not in network. I tried out Dennis a couple times, but his focus seemed to be on what everyone else in my life was doing wrong – not really my style. Today I had an appointment with Nicole. She seemed okay and she had a copy of Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly on her bookshelf. I figure I’d give her a few more appointments…