Need not apply.

I’ve been considering getting a part-time job, but with all my recent health issues it’s probably not a practical thing to do.

Oh, I haven’t mentioned my *new* health concerns? That’s probably because I don’t have any great answers yet. Both my family doctor and my orthopedist told me to see a neurologist. The neurologist said that he thinks my back is causing multiple sclerosis type symptoms, but he’s not convinced that I have MS. So we’re hitting my back with a variety of treatments with the hope of getting me some much needed relief. (I’m typing this post right now with mostly numb fingers – yeah, I’m freakin’ awesome like that.)

Anyhoo…Let’s get back to that job thing.

MFP-sleep-over-shots
See?!?!?! I can totally do shots!

Earlier this week, I got an email from Noah at okdork.com. He also runs Sumome.com which offers FREE tools for you to help you grow your website traffic. Sure, it was a “form email” that he probably sent to everyone on his massive email list, but it intrigued me. Basically he’s looking for rock stars to add to his already amazing team. You don’t have to have a college degree, but you do need to like tacos, drink AT WORK, and be able to use the word fuck in casual conversation¹.

OMG…It’s like I was born for this job.

I hit the CLICK TO APPLY HERE button and started typing up a summary of my awesomeness. (By the way, go ahead and apply if you think you like tacos, drinking, and swearing more than I do.) Then I got to thinking and I realized that with my current medical shit it would be unwise to get Noah’s hopes up that I could actually work for him. I just couldn’t hit the send button, but I think it’s a pretty good summary about how cool I am, so I’ll share it with you:

“Hey Noah! I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that I love tacos, as long as they’re not too spicy, and there are days when I say “fuck” more often than a homeschooling mom should. I also love to write and find traffic growing very seductive. (Don’t judge – we all have weird fetishes, right?) While I have no formal education, I tend to lose myself in books like:
“Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook”
“You Everywhere Now”
“The Slight Edge”
“Content Rules”

Here’s where I’d like to tell you that you’ll find me brilliantly incredible and you should take a HUGE chance on an unproven blogger and Facebook addict, and that you’d never regret rescuing my family and I from the cold tundra of Minnesota to the beautiful (and fucking amazing) Texas, but…I hate bugs and other creepy crawly things. I’ve heard stories of ginormous spiders and scorpions the size of small cars attacking innocent people who live in Texas. I just can’t do bugs or the thought of bugs. If you need proof, you can read an entry in my blog: http://themfp.com/insectaphobia-i-have-it/

Obviously there is no fucking way I could move to Texas, but I hope you find people who will appreciate your in office bar as much as I would: http://themfp.com/and-this-is-why-i-cant-send-my-kid-to-school/

And yes, I know my blog is a fucking mess, but you have a some what broken page on your site. I figured this made us even. What page you ask? It’s your FAQ. There’s no way to get back to your home page from there: http://help.sumome.com/

If you’re interested in a telecommute option, I promise to spend all the money you would’ve invested in relocating us to keeping my liquor cabniet stocked and I’m not afraid to do shots during office hours via Skype.”

I’m fairly certain he would’ve hired me within minutes after reading that and he might’ve even been able to convince me to move to Texas, but the timing just isn’t right. *le sigh*

I guess I’ll just have to stay here and continue being the mother freakin’ princess that I am.

 

The Real MFP LOGO

¹Okay, so there’s way more to this job search than being a kick ass, taco eating, booze drinking, foul-mouthed, internet super star. Noah’s looking for people in the following positions and if you think you’d be a good fit, you should apply:

1- Web Designer: HTML5, CSS3, responsive / mobile design

2- Content Marketer: Writer, Editor, Organizer, Traffic grower

3- Developer: node.js, javascript

4- Sales: Money, Money, Money

5- Acquisition Marketer: PPC, SEM, FB Ads, ROI

sumome logo

  • Share on Tumblr
  •  

Top 9 Ways to Wrap Christmas Presents!

FullSizeRenderOne of my favorite things about Christmas is… the presents.

I know.

It’s wrong, right?

But just hear me out.

I think our gift wrapping shenanigans started with stories Nathan would tell me about his mom’s Christmas present wrapping. There were tales about presents with no names, just numbers, so the kids had no idea who’s present was who’s, and then there were the ol’ double wrapped presents too.

As parents, we learned quickly that this whole trickster wrapping thing not only made the gift unwrapping experience last longer (Seriously, I spent *at least* 5 minutes wrapping the freakin’ present, can it take a little longer than 10 seconds to unwrap it?!?!?¹), but there’s also just something spectacular about watching a thirteen-year-old being tortured on Christmas morning.

I thought a few of you might like to join us in our gift wrapping naughtiness and I’d share a few of our ideas with you:

1. First of all, don’t put all your gifts under the tree at once. Try one a day and if you have more than one kid at home – you don’t have to put one for each kid out. It’s okay for them to watch their siblings get a gift under the tree and wait a day or two for their’s to show up.

2. Double wrapping gifts is so 1982. Try wrapping the gift, then putting it in a new box and re-wrapping it, but put someone else’s name on it.

3. Wait! Don’t stop there! Can you get that gift to go all the way around the room and end back up at the original gift opener?!?!

4. Another take on double wrapping: Wrap the gift, then look for something laying around your house – preferably something heavy. Wrap that too and place both gifts inside a larger box to be wrapped. (Make sure they open the fake gift first.)

5. I still love my mother in-law’s idea of only using numbers to label the gifts. This works great if you have more than one kid at home still.

6. Take #3 to a whole new level and SWITCH the numbers on the presents! Just make sure you’re keeping track of the real numbers/names.

7. Speaking of switching present labels, maybe the number thing is just too much for you or you’re like us and only have one kid at home. This year I’m picking out a present and switching the name tag out every day until Christmas. We’re talking TWO FULL WEEKS of fun for us parents!

8. Kids love to shake their presents and a lot of the time it’s something that’s fragile. Make sure to pick up a set of pajamas or other clothing for your kiddo. Wrap it in a nice looking box and throw a little change in there, with TONS of paper to fill the box out. When the kid asks if it’s fragile you can say, “I don’t think so.” Then chuck that present down the stairs¹! *priceless*

change of shift - easter-bunny and Santa Claus

9. Present Treasure Hunt: Finding their presents under the tree is for two-year-olds. Leave clues to the whereabouts of a couple presents on the tree and make sure those presents are hidden extra hard. It’s like Christmas and Easter all in one!

How about you? Do you have any gift wrapping tricks up your sleeve?

logo_TheMFP_1

¹Now I probably spend more like 20 minutes or more wrapping those presents, but it’s totally worth it!

 

  • Share on Tumblr
  •  
daring greatly

Dusting off the bookshelf…

I picked up Brené Brown‘s book, Daring Greatly, off my bookshelf again. The first time I tried reading it I got to page 26, where she quotes Lynne Twist: “Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.”

It’s not surprising to me that I couldn’t get past that page the first time I read the book. I mean, read those words again:

Before we even sit up in bed, (right?)

Before our feet touch the floor, (exactly)

We’re already inadequate, (yep)

Already behind, (can never catch up)

Already losing, (lost friendships, lost family, lost my keys)

Already lacking, (not enough time, money, talent, patience)

Something. (Every.single.thing)

I don’t know about you, but those words take my breath away.

I'm imperfect & I'm enough.
I’m imperfect & I’m enough, right?!?!?!

Sure, I took part in an Art Journaling course and took a selfie with the words “I’m Imperfect and I’m Enough” on my hand, but that empowering feeling was fleeting.

My true feelings about myself started to emerge a day or two after I made that selfie my Facebook profile picture. All of my shortcomings (and there are many) reflected themselves back at me in the mirror and I went back to understanding that I’m simply just NOT enough.

This time I’ve made it to page 43. In this chapter Brene is debunking vulnerability myths, like Myth #1: Vulnerability is Weakness

She talks about how we love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us:

  • I want to experience your vulnerability but I don’t want to be vulnerable.
  • Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.
  • I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.

Ugh. Isn’t that the truth.

I’ve spent the last year pulling further and further away from people. It’s too hard to put myself out there, whether it be in person, on Facebook, or here on my blog. People are constantly judging and talking and blah blah blah…I thought that if I shut it all down – if I just “went away” – I’d be happier.

But that’s not what’s happened. As I pulled back from being open with others and I sheltered myself from criticism and reduced my vulnerability, I became less of who I am – which fuels my depression and anxiety – which makes me pull back even further.

Attempt-CardI love what Brené writes on page 42, she’s referring to the moment she’s about to go on stage for a TED talk. A few seconds before she was introduced she thought of a paperweight that sits on her desk. It reads, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

She pushed that question out of her head to make room for a new question.

As she walked on stage, she literally whispered aloud, “What’s worth doing even if I fail?” 

And I set the book down.

What’s worth doing *for me*, even if I fail?

Blogging? Being on Facebook? Rebuilding The Mother Freakin’ Princess brand? Spending my time with friends and family? Art projects? Learning new things? Sharing myself, my true – messy, disorganized, crazy – self with you?

It might be worth it.

It’s probably worth it.

It IS worth it.

The Real MFP LOGO

 

  • Share on Tumblr
  •  

Don’t let me get me.

When I started writing this post, I wrote on and on about how it’s so irritating being me sometimes, but then I had to put the post on hold while I ran Kade to his friend’s house and met up with a new therapist¹. I got home and decided that my original post was too long and whiny. Let’s just cut the crap and get down to business.

I’m sensitive to pretty much everything: hot, cold, dry air, tags, heights, bugs (also “bugs”), the sun, my own sweat, people’s feelings, and pretty much every other fucking thing you can think of.

And it’s wearing me out.

On Tuesday I mentioned to a friend that I would just really, really like to be someone else. You know, someone who’s easy breezy, way less controlling, and high strung than myself. Someone who can take criticism easily and not need things to be a certain way. Someone who takes chances and really puts themselves out there.

Someone else.

Just. not. me.

Then on Wednesday, I think I had a break through at family counseling. Jessica, The Family Therapist, started talking about choosing. It’s kinda the same thing Nathan has tried to helped me see before, but for whatever reason I needed to drive a half hour to Jessica’s office and pay her $55 in order for it to make sense.

Basically, I can choose. I have that power and I use that power everyday. I just need to start making different choices. Sure, it sounds simple enough, but we all know that just because you know you can choose differently, this doesn’t mean you do. Sometimes even if we know it, we still can’t do it. But what ever…I’m diverging.

Later on that day I got an email from my sister:

“I especially like this quote because it talks about becoming the person you “are”, not who you want to be. I like the thought of being you, being your best you.

Just wanted to share.

~lisa elizabeth”

Screen Shot 2014-09-25 at 3.50.02 PMYou see, I’m not feeling like “me” lately and I’m certainly not feeling like the best me. I’ve been in so much physical and mental pain in the last three years. I haven’t been able to heal from it. So I’ve pulled back and withdrew my love, affection, and attention from people.

I’ve been distancing myself for so long that I can’t figure out how to stop. Sure, I’ve made an effort. I go to our weekly homeschool group and I haven’t exactly avoided all social gatherings, but I can’t say that I’ve actually been participating either.

Last night my friend, Jean, shared this link from Momastery: This is What Brave Means

It was as though all of these things were pieces of a puzzle that was coming together slowly, but clearly they went together:

I haven’t been brave.

I’ve forgotten that I’m Imperfect & I’m Enough.

And even though I’ve been through (and I’m still going through) so much transition, I need to remind myself that perfection isn’t reality and how I am – how ever fucking sensitive I am – I don’t need to change a single thing.

Even if being sensitive is hard and scary sometimes, it’s a part of who I am. Hiding that part of me, or wishing it away, isn’t brave. Accepting that part of me? Now that’s brave.

Are there parts of you that you’re hiding or wishing away? Let’s not only be brave together, but let’s do our best to support each other too:

“You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing”

The Real MFP LOGO

¹Change of insurance means a change in therapists. I was kinda hoping to keep Dana, The Therapist, but she’s not in network. I tried out Dennis a couple times, but his focus seemed to be on what everyone else in my life was doing wrong – not really my style. Today I had an appointment with Nicole. She seemed okay and she had a copy of Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly on her bookshelf. I figure I’d give her a few more appointments…

 

 

 

  • Share on Tumblr
  •  

Pressing Pause on Pressing Play

When I started as a Team Beachbody coach, I had just had Ankle Fusion #1 and we needed an easier way to make smoothies than this:
Old Smoothie Way

And my friend, Noelle, had a way of making smoothies that not only taste better and were better for us, but they were also waaaay easier to make:

Scoop of Shakeo

Shakeology isn’t “cheap”¹, so I became a “discount coach” to get Shakeology at the Coach price. But, if you know me, then you know that I can get kind of excited and dreamy about things. I started thinking that it would be awesome to really be a coach and build a business by helping people reach their health and fitness goals.

Unfortunately, Ankle Fusion #1 didn’t take and I had to have Ankle Fusion #2 (which worked, thank God!), and then I found out that I’m allergic to my own sweat and the sun, plus I threw my back out, and I also ended up with a cyst on the top of my foot. After struggling with my own health and trying to be a health and fitness coach at the same time, I’ve decided that enough is enough. I’m putting my coaching on pause and focusing on just my own health for the moment.

What does this mean if you’re one of my customers? Well, I’ll still be here to support you and help you if you have any questions, but if you would like or need more support than what I can give you (like free Facebook support groups, etc.), I’m going to refer you to my coach. Noelle is awesome and I know that if you love me, you will super love her. Just give me a shout out and I’ll get the two of you hooked up.

And you just never know, I might kick ass on all these physical setbacks and become an active coach again – until then? I’ll still be making smoothies the easy and nutritious way – SHAKEO!

The Real MFP LOGO

¹Cheap isn’t a good or bad thing, it just is.

According to FastFoodMenuPrices.com a McDonald’s Big Mac Extra Value Meal is $5.69 and according to Team Beachbody’s site a serving of Shakeology is $4.33 (This is regular retail price. Coaches get 25% off so it would be $3.25 at coach price.) To me, this seems like McDonald’s is expensive – but cheap on nutrition. While Shakeo isn’t as expensive – but it kicks butt on nutrition.

  • Share on Tumblr
  •